Waiting for Mr RightIs there such a thing as the right time?

Women often ask me questions about the things that men do, when dating, that frustrates them. "Why doesn't he call me?", "Where was he last night?", "All men are players and no man ever tells you the truth!". At first, it's surprising to hear about all of the women out there experiencing pain in their relationships. Are all men bad? Of course not. But I don't think that the women who are dating and who contact me would agree that most men are good.

Why is this, and why are women telling their stories of irrational behaviour in order to keep these not-so-nice men?

I have been perplexed by the number of conversations I have had with women who are frankly angry and frustrated with the men in their lives. One lady recently said to me, "I'm sick of it and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

Well, good for her! If you stop accepting being treated badly, then perhaps you will be in a position to invite someone into your life who will treat you well. You can't settle for a passable new relationship and hope that it gets better. Remember, in the beginning, both men and women are putting their best side out there. If this is the best that your boyfriend can do, he's not going to get any better! Likewise, if stalking, calling 100 times a day and playing games is your best behaviour, my educated opinion is that neither of you is really ready for a real relationship.

One of the hardest things for people to face is that they are not being their best 'self' in their relationships. It's not easy to take a peek at your behaviour and see that you honestly are not treating your Mr. or Ms. Right very kindly or compassionately; the way that you would want your partner to treat you. If you're not, and you're not really sure why, that is a sign that you're not ready for a relationship.

Like it or not, if you're doing any of the things above, then you have some healing to do.

Think of it this way, if you were to meet your soul mate today, would you want him or her to think that this is your best self? Men and women who report finding and keeping healthy relationships all report that they were emotionally ready to be the best that they could be.

Of course, there are exceptions, but in the end, each person has to prepare him or herself to be committed. This means clearing the past, forgiving old hurts, and making peace with your relationship history. Even if you still feel pain about an old love, the heart is ready to move on when you have grieved and accepted your actions and losses. For most people, this also involves forgiving themselves and their ex.

The surprising fact about the healing process is that it is not as hard as many people think. People expect to need months and months of counselling to be fully healed, when often what they need is to talk about their feelings on an 'as needed' basis. Friends, family or a good life coach can fill this need for you.

Women often ask me if their relationship is doomed, or if their new boyfriend is just displaying typical martian behaviour and needs a night to himself.

You might be surprised at the number of women who, in a moment of need, picked the phone up and left an angry message on a man's answering machine for not calling, only to learn later that there was a legitimate reason, and now because he saw how volatile she was, he is no longer interested!

Wouldn't it have been better for that woman to speak to someone and learn why she was feeling so bad, rather than scare her new boyfriend with her insecurities before she understands them herself? After all, she has no idea why he hasn't called. All she really knows is how she feels, and those feelings can cause her to act impulsively.

Likewise, there are times when good women hold on to bad relationships. Women who are neglected by their partners or who think that they can still call a man their boyfriend when he hasn't talked to her in months, don't have a realistic view of their relationship. There is a real difference between giving a man space and being overly hopeful when all of the signs tell you that it's over. There are things that women can do to begin attracting good healthy men to their lives, and build up a protective shield against the men who are no good.

Believe it or not, there are ways to talk to men that inspire them to call you back!

If you are tired of having relationships fail, you should know that you have the power to change it. If you don't know the answer to a problem, stop doing the same old thing or just wishing it would get better - take action to put yourself on the path to making it better. You deserve it!

To find out more about improving your understanding of the opposite sex and your dating experiences and relationships, get a copy of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus from www.marsvenuscoaching.com or your local bookstore. A Mars Venus coach can also help you to learn the skills that will set you on the path to better relationships so call now on 1300 135 153 if you would like to speak to one of my coaches.

Until next time,

Dr John Gray